As just about everyone knows, my Asher was stillborn at approximately 24 weeks in May of 2006. It was, and still is in many ways, the darkest time of my life. I felt so alone, completely cut off from the happiness of the world, and heartbroken. It's a feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Fast forward to March, 2016. I have taken a position as business manager at a nonprofit, The JLB Project. Their (our) mission is to provide support and outreach to families who have lost a baby, due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or death in infancy. The morning I got the offer (and immediately accepted, despite having other probably more profitable opportunities), I was in a daze of happiness and excitement, and could not stop talking to Asher. "We did it, baby, we made it out and now we get to help other families make it out on the other side too. It wasn't for nothing. You never got to take a breath, but you're going to help people!"
So many people who lived long lives never get to say that.
It's going to be excruciatingly painful some days, I know. I don't have any illusions about that. But at the end of the day, I'm going to be able to use my professional experiences and my personal experiences to help people who are in the hardest, darkest time of their lives, and that's so worth reliving my own pain.
Late winter feels like a perfect metaphor for life right now. The storms of the season aren't over, but the worst is behind me. The days are getting longer and warmer and new life is stirring, spring and summer are coming. I know that the storms will come again with the seasons, but I'll be better prepared and I'll be stronger. I'm ready to face the challenges the coming year will bring.
Maybe I just needed the reminder that I've already survived things that most people can't imagine. I've come out tougher and braver and yes, much much sadder, but I've come out. If I can do that, and even be tough enough to dive back in and make it my mission to help others suffering what I suffered, then I can do anything.
I've got this.
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