Half memories and heat.

Last week or thereabouts, we went to Anorexic  roof to meet some friends. One guy told me it was nice to see me again, and I don't think much appreciated my blank stare. No memory of him at all (sorry, Tyler!). That led, as it usually does, to explaining about my brain injury and a lot of "I'm sorry"s (I really am sorry). See, our summers here fall squarely into the period of years that disappeared from my memory after the last concussion. There's so much of life and living that fell away into the black period...

                     Prairie Smoke

A few days ago, we drove around through Mountainaire to climb at Mars Roof, and as soon as we parked I was overwhelmed with frustration and irritation and anger. I don't think I could've picked the spot out in a photo line up, because it's almost entirely in the afore mentioned black period. But I still could feel that I hated it there. I'm not sure why. I do know that despite my best efforts to shake it off, those abstract emotions ruined it there for me that day. 

                   Stevie on The Girl

The half memories are the greatest struggle for me here, at the end of the day. I find myself being angry for absolutely no reason, hating everything, and I know it's residual resentment from that hard second summer when I was alone all the time in the dusty meadows with a very unhappy toddler while Tim was out climbing and doing his best to enjoy his time despite my best efforts to make him as miserable as I was. I don't remember much of it, but I wrote some that summer in a private journal, and I recognize how I'm feeling now in those entries. It's hard to snap myself out of it. It doesn't feel like memories, it feels like now and it's taking a lot out of me to get the better of it. It's a constant battle between the present me and the barely remembered me.

It's getting better. One day at a time. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. Brain injuries aren't easy. 

In other news, it's getting pretty hot during the day. Havoc is in a growth spurt and has taken to napping after lunch, and I join him because, hot. The nights are clear and crisp and absolutely lovely, though, we open all the windows and the breeze drifts through the trailer and it's cool and cozy under the blanket. 

In less important news, I dyed my hair pink and I'm loving it. 

 Because if you can't be punk rock when you're living in the woods, what's the point of anything? Right? Right.

Yesterday was the Solstice. Happy summer! It's all downhill from here, y'all.