Parenthood, please forgive the language.

So Tim and I were just having this drunken conversation about life and children, and I was comparing life to Stephen King's Pet Semetary, and Havoc was screaming bloody murder in the background, and the SyFy version of Being Human was on TV (the "I want you back (from the dead) episode, oh man), and FUUUUCCCCKKKKK. We just lost a dear friend, (which will get it's own post as soon as I'm ready to write it), and we just sold my beloved Darla (my very first ever car, and yes, I cried when the new owner drove her away), and man oh man, it's been an emotional week...

*sigh*

The point.

If you had come to me two years ago, and shown me the absolute best day I would have in the first year of parenthood, and the absolute worst day I would have in the first year of parenthood... I know no parent is supposed to say this, but... goddamn, I would have gotten a hysterectomy. Being a mom is fucking HARD. It's a lot of stress, and worry, and freaking out over nothing, and finally getting him to sleep through the night but not being able to sleep through the night myself because oh-my-god-he-hasn't-woken-up-in-hours-he-surely-must-be-dead-oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god...

Oh, my god. It's so hard.

Havoc is amazing. He's potty training, and he's walking, and he's so sweet and loving affectionate, and oh, god I love this kid SO MUCH... but there are hands down moments when I would trade his crying for a solid night of sleep. He's the happiest kid I know, but I still want to sleep till noon! I still want to have, ahem, "alone time", with my husband without interruption! I still want to have nice things! I still want my goddamn jeans to fit (although I shouldn't bitch because the jeans are too big instead of too small but whatever, the sentiment is the same). I still want to be myself instead of being just Mommy. But you know, fuck, man, that isn't an option I have anymore.

I guess being a parent, though, isn't about being willing to trade a screaming baby for anything... it's about not being willing to trade a smiling baby for ANYTHING. Because those smiles, and those laughs, and those hugs, oh man the hugs... the hugs are worth more than anything in the whole world.

Everything in it's place... I wouldn't trade this life for all the good nights of sleep in the world. My kid, as much as he sucks sometimes, is the best thing that ever happened to my little world, and I'm lucky to have him.

It just takes some thinking about sometimes.